Never Alone

I'll be honest, I feel rather vulnerable sharing my deepest feelings and struggles now that I've seen my page views skyrocket lately. But I know that when God has called you to do something, whether it is great or small, we have to move on it. So here goes again....

I've hit quite a rough patch. I'm not doing so well. My turning point in March was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned so much about myself in so little time. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and that I'm still around to continue growing. However, it's been really hard learning that no matter how far you think you've gone, no matter how great you think you are, or how much progress you've made, you can fail at any given moment. I mentioned to you guys earlier that for about 3 or 4 days last week I slipped pretty hard. I ran from God and the Bible and this blog (sounds funny but it keeps my heart in check). I finally came crawling back and thought that I had overcome my problems. God forgave me, restored me, revitalized me so I thought that those struggles were behind.

That was merely a test. God's not done testing and I'm not done failing. Every time I turn around I find myself slipping again. It is so hard! I can totally relate to anyone who feels as if they'll never be a good christian because their flesh is so evil. That is me. A despicable sinner. When will I ever learn???

But when I finally quit moping and came to terms with things, God showed me that my insecurities, my dependency, my lack of faith is what is defeating me. I have caught myself countless times thinking "If I had a godly boyfriend we could do x for Jesus," "If God would send me a godly husband we could really change people for Jesus," etc... If only... we. Who is this "we"? I am a christian. I want to be used of God. I am willing. I will go. Now. Not later, now.

Hebrews 13:5 really spoke to me today.. "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So I don't have a boyfriend. So there are no plans of a marriage in my immediate future. So sometimes I feel like I'm going to spend my life alone. God says to be content with what I have. That does not include a boyfriend at this point. I need to be content. That is so hard sometimes. So incredibly hard...

God doesn't need me to be married or with someone to do great things. My fear of stepping out on that limb is that I'm alone. I am terrified of being alone. I don't think I've mentioned that yet. It is one of my greatest fears. In the hypothetical/future sense of the word and in the immediate present. I don't like doing anything alone. Ever. And yet I find that maybe that's what's holding me back. Maybe I keep slipping and I'm not being used because I'm sitting around waiting on someone else. God is working in me. And I need to do something about it. Even if that means taking the first step alone.

Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." So to commemorate my realization that I am actually not alone and that God is with me all the way, I spent today wandering around Atlanta, experiencing life by myself for once. I have decided that I need to start going out on those limbs. Stop waiting on everyone else to get it together. I need to get myself together and go. He'll be with me
I had so much fun trying new things and exploring today that I might even go to the Braves playoff game tonight by myself.. call me crazy, I don't know what's gotten into me but its gonna be interesting!