Never A Lost Cause

I've found myself in yet another coffee shop with a lot on my mind today. I am going to try to keep this on point and somewhat short, but it will be a struggle. I think I'll just share how I was feeling and how God moved and I'll use another blog to break down what I read. So, this weekend was hard. Devastating in fact. So bad that I don't even feel comfortable giving the details publicly - it's more of a private struggle between me and God. I have learned so much and come so far and yet I was reminded that I can be at rock bottom again in an instant. The glue holding me together is Jesus. Without Jesus, without His guidance and direction, I am completely nothing.

So my life has completely changed in recent months. Everything is new to me. I hit bottom hard in March and had to start all over, reconstructing who I am in Christ. It was hard to say the least, but I "let go and let God" (cliche, I know) and He used me in amazing ways this past summer at camp. Coming back from that, I kind of felt proud of how far I'd come. So many people told me that they were inspired by me, proud of me, and surprised and the difference in my life. I was kind of on a cloud I guess you could say. I was very proud of MY accomplishments.

And that is exactly why I ended up where I ended up this past weekend. In the darkest pit I've seen in a while. I was reveling in my accomplishments and MY life change, and totally lost track of the fact that GOD brought me to where I am. GOD pulled me out of the life I was living. I let go enough to go with Him for awhile, and yet I got cocky and took my life right back. I know I've said this before, but serving Jesus and living your life for Him is an every day decision and an every day challenge. It's not a one time thing. You have to recommit every day. I cannot stress how important that is.

So I've been so overwhelmed with shame and guilt that for days I would not blog, or read, or pray. I was.. scared, for lack of better words, to even open my Bible and consult God. I was wallowing in pain, shame, and pity. I was completely miserable. This morning I finally pulled out my Bible and every devotional I could find in my room and I sought Jesus. That is an understatement. For 3 hours I sat in my room searching, studying, crying, reading and praying. I cannot believe I let myself go days without speaking to God. How far I ran in such a short period of time.

What blew my mind this morning (and there were a few things but this one hit me hard) was that God KNEW I would do this. He knew. He wasn't surprised. He saw it coming long ago and He was right here waiting when I came crawling back to Him.. What an amazing God! And as I asked for direction, asked for guidance on what to read, He led me to everything I needed. Oh His love is so incredible!

I was talking to someone a few months back that I shouldn't have been. Not that he was a bad guy or anything like that, but I was just taking control of my life and not letting God take control. But during this time, he gave me a devotional that I had been wanting. I later decided it wasn't relevant for me and didn't go through it and I totally forgot about it in my closet. So this morning, when I was searching for direction and crying out for help, God brought me back to that devotional. The very first devotion was short, sweet, and powerful. It was EXACTLY what I needed. And when I say exactly, it blew my mind. I could hardly continue reading because of the tears. God knew. He knew I'd be here. He had this devotional, these words, these verses waiting on me. Back in May He used a situation I had taken in my own hands for His good. He connected everything and was waiting here with open arms again. I just can't get over the overwhelming love and mercy. The magnitude of his forgiveness is incredible. Here was the devotion He led me to:

How dare I not live every second for Him. How could I run from His love and mercy and forgiveness and grace? How? I just don't understand why He would care for a sinner like me. And it blows my mind how I could even slip back into sin when He's been so amazing and gracious. My own sinful nature disgusts me. I begged God to use me this morning. Begged. Because it would be an honor to be used by such an amazing God!