Never A Lost Cause

I've found myself in yet another coffee shop with a lot on my mind today. I am going to try to keep this on point and somewhat short, but it will be a struggle. I think I'll just share how I was feeling and how God moved and I'll use another blog to break down what I read. So, this weekend was hard. Devastating in fact. So bad that I don't even feel comfortable giving the details publicly - it's more of a private struggle between me and God. I have learned so much and come so far and yet I was reminded that I can be at rock bottom again in an instant. The glue holding me together is Jesus. Without Jesus, without His guidance and direction, I am completely nothing.

So my life has completely changed in recent months. Everything is new to me. I hit bottom hard in March and had to start all over, reconstructing who I am in Christ. It was hard to say the least, but I "let go and let God" (cliche, I know) and He used me in amazing ways this past summer at camp. Coming back from that, I kind of felt proud of how far I'd come. So many people told me that they were inspired by me, proud of me, and surprised and the difference in my life. I was kind of on a cloud I guess you could say. I was very proud of MY accomplishments.

And that is exactly why I ended up where I ended up this past weekend. In the darkest pit I've seen in a while. I was reveling in my accomplishments and MY life change, and totally lost track of the fact that GOD brought me to where I am. GOD pulled me out of the life I was living. I let go enough to go with Him for awhile, and yet I got cocky and took my life right back. I know I've said this before, but serving Jesus and living your life for Him is an every day decision and an every day challenge. It's not a one time thing. You have to recommit every day. I cannot stress how important that is.

So I've been so overwhelmed with shame and guilt that for days I would not blog, or read, or pray. I was.. scared, for lack of better words, to even open my Bible and consult God. I was wallowing in pain, shame, and pity. I was completely miserable. This morning I finally pulled out my Bible and every devotional I could find in my room and I sought Jesus. That is an understatement. For 3 hours I sat in my room searching, studying, crying, reading and praying. I cannot believe I let myself go days without speaking to God. How far I ran in such a short period of time.

What blew my mind this morning (and there were a few things but this one hit me hard) was that God KNEW I would do this. He knew. He wasn't surprised. He saw it coming long ago and He was right here waiting when I came crawling back to Him.. What an amazing God! And as I asked for direction, asked for guidance on what to read, He led me to everything I needed. Oh His love is so incredible!

I was talking to someone a few months back that I shouldn't have been. Not that he was a bad guy or anything like that, but I was just taking control of my life and not letting God take control. But during this time, he gave me a devotional that I had been wanting. I later decided it wasn't relevant for me and didn't go through it and I totally forgot about it in my closet. So this morning, when I was searching for direction and crying out for help, God brought me back to that devotional. The very first devotion was short, sweet, and powerful. It was EXACTLY what I needed. And when I say exactly, it blew my mind. I could hardly continue reading because of the tears. God knew. He knew I'd be here. He had this devotional, these words, these verses waiting on me. Back in May He used a situation I had taken in my own hands for His good. He connected everything and was waiting here with open arms again. I just can't get over the overwhelming love and mercy. The magnitude of his forgiveness is incredible. Here was the devotion He led me to:

How dare I not live every second for Him. How could I run from His love and mercy and forgiveness and grace? How? I just don't understand why He would care for a sinner like me. And it blows my mind how I could even slip back into sin when He's been so amazing and gracious. My own sinful nature disgusts me. I begged God to use me this morning. Begged. Because it would be an honor to be used by such an amazing God!

Encouragement on a Cloudy Day

It's been one of those days. Nothing major, nothing important, but just a bad, bad day. To spare you all the complaining, here's a visual:

So I'm failing Astronomy, officially, I have blisters thanks to my shoes, and I got deodorant all over my black shirt this morning. Why do I always use solid deodorant on days I wear black?? I NEVER use solid deodorant.

And these are the smaller of my worries today. This has been one of the hardest, un-motivating days in the past few months for me. To be honest, I didn't want to write this post. I didn't want to do anything really. But just as I was making up my mind to skip writing today, I realized that maybe someone else is going through a day worse than mine. Maybe someone who reads this needs encouragement. And that thought alone motivated me.

I've told you before, I'm new to reading the Bible. I've been a Christian for a while, I was saved at a young age, but I had never been an avid reader of the Bible. As a teen I lacked the passion I have now. I attribute this passion to some certain life changing events God brought me through. He really opened my eyes and I'm thankful every day for that. And being new to reading the Bible, I often need help finding certain scripture, certain passages, etc. So I've been looking to online resources such as Bible apps, studies by Mark Driscoll, devotionals by revered authors such as David Platt, John Piper, and Beth Moore, and Christian blogs.

Today I searched "verses of encouragement from the Bible" and ran across a blog by Brian Tubbs. I must say that the verses I read gave me the encouragement I needed on a hard day and I wanted to share a few of them. The first is Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"(ESV) This one stuck out mainly because this is what we covered yesterday in the reading from Zechariah about God being our wall of fire. Again, God leading me to what He wants me to read. I always feel comforted by that. Kind of like I could look up and say "Well played God, well played."

Another verse I found to be encouraging today was Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (ESV) To be brokenhearted means to be filled with sadness. I am very brokenhearted. In many ways, for many reasons. Not over a specific event, or events, but just in general. This day has left me brokenhearted. I need to turn to God during these moments for healing. I can't let the stresses of life overcome me to the point that I forget that God is bigger than my problems and He can give me the strength I need to push through the hard days. He is there to lean on, to trust.

The next few verses I ran across really helped me change my sad perspective. Philippians 4:6 & 7 says "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known unto God. (7) And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (ESV) I'm anxious about everything: school, work, money, boys, friends, schedule, weight, appearance, church, grades, everything! God wants me to let that anxiousness and stress go in exchange for unexplainable peace. What kind of a deal is that? He'll take my stress and I get peace? I want that. I want peace. So I continued reading, because to get this peace, God calls for me to do something - to be active.

Philippians 4:8 says "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (ESV) So basically, God (speaking through Paul here) is saying, Do you want peace? Do you want me to take your burdens? Then give them over to me (let go) and think on pure and praiseworthy things. Stop being so negative.

And this was the motivation I needed to get out of this funk I was in. This was the nudge I needed to get over my life and get moving for God. I had already let most of my day go to waste being mopey. So I shared this in hopes of encouraging someone else today. The key here is that you can't just read the happy, warm fuzzy verses in the Bible and think your problems will magically go away. Jesus calls for action. He says to let your requests be known to God. PRAY. Don't just complain about life - pray! And think positively. You can't have a good day if you're always living in the negative.

Having a bad day? Be active, not passive. Change your thoughts to change your mood.

Our Wall of Fire

Some days are much harder than others. As pathetic as it might sound, some mornings I wake up on fire about what God has done in my life and the love I have for Jesus and others I feel... less motivated, so to speak. It's shameful, I know, but it's our human nature. That's why it's an important decision to continue to read and study the Bible, even on days that we may not feel as motivated, because it keeps us grounded. Even if it is only a short, 5 minute devotional. It keeps us reminded of why we are here, who's we are, and what our mission is.. to love and serve Jesus with our lives and to bring others to Him. It keeps us humble. I have a Bible app on my phone which I often find myself reading the short, 5 minute devotions it has. Just those 5 minutes generally keep me searching for more and before I know it, I've done a full blown Bible study all through my phone. John Piper and Mark Driscoll have some great online resource tools for studying - especially if you're new to it.

I'll be honest, I don't have a clue why I just wrote that first paragraph but I'm assuming someone, somewhere needed it. It's actually not at all what I was planning to talk about. Oh, right - I was using my phone Bible app for devotions and that is where this whole train of thought led us to... I knew I was going somewhere with that. Sometimes my own attention disorder amazes me.

So I was reading in the "Finding Real Happiness" devotions by John Piper on my Bible app and the scripture for today was Zechariah 2:4-5. Quoting the end of verse 4 and all of verse 5, it says "'(4) Jerusalem shall be inhabited as villages without walls, because of the multitude of people and livestock in it. (5) And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst.'"

Ummm wow. Let's just analyze that briefly. So verse 4 is basically saying that God is blessing Jerusalem and the city's growth is incredible! So much growth that it has grown out of it's city walls; it is like a "city without walls." Praise Jesus, growth. It says a "multitude of people and livestock." Growing businesses and healthy, growing families. He provides to His people when they trust and obey Him. That's a sermon in itself, right?

Well there's more. On the flip side of things, so much growth that the city is growing beyond it's walls could be not-so-great. This is something we would not even consider, but in this time, a city without walls was vulnerable, susceptible to attack. A city without walls was a very bad thing. So if God was blessing Jerusalem, why would he cause them to be vulnerable to attack?

It was a test of their trust in Him. He says next "I will be to her a wall of fire all around." Not only is he promising to be Jerusalem's wall, Jerusalem's protection, He is saying He will be a wall of FIRE. What enemies can pass through FIRE? This promise reminds me of Chris Tomlin's song And If Our God Is For Us. If God is for us, who can be against us? Who can stand against us?

As if that wasn't enough, He finishes the promise with "I will be the glory in her midst," saying He will not only bless us for obedience, protect us from adversity, but be the glory in our midst. Our glory: our triumph, our splendor, our happiness, our object of pride. Who can not love a God like that?

Everyday Missionaries

6am my alarm goes off. I went to bed early and I planned to make an early start of my morning & get to school an hour before class and type up my answers to a take-home quiz that was due today. So I hit snooze and roll over just for a minute...

Just for a minute... those 4 deadly words. At 7:20am my brother and sister slamming car doors wake me up. Great.. By 8am I'm pulling out of my driveway thinking there is still a chance I can make this work. My first class is at 9:30 and it only takes an hour to get to school. That leaves me 30 minutes to type up my quiz answers. Perfect.

Of course not. Traffic was horrible. I somehow managed to be 30 minutes LATE to my first class. Do not ask me how that is even possible. After getting lost in Cabbagetown and driving the wrong way on a one way, I no longer want to talk about it.

Somewhere in Cabbagetown - Atlanta, GA

There was a happy ending to this story. I managed to get my quiz typed up in time for the next class thankfully. I also managed to squeeze in an Econ group meeting, an intense arm and shoulder workout at the rec center, and made it just in time for American Lit. And on top of all that, I got an A+ on my first paper in that class. So today turned out pretty good actually.

But the huge plus to being very late was that I fit in an entire lesson from Mark Driscoll. If you don't know who Mark Driscoll is, I'm about to rock your world. Look up Mars Hill Church in the app store on your phone. Download it and give one series a chance and I promise you won't regret it. Mark Driscoll is the pastor of a church in Seattle called Mars Hill Church. His style of teaching is incredibly informative yet very simple and so easy to understand. I promise you, he is like no other teacher you've ever listened to. He has become my road trip and commuter companion. I find myself wanting to listen to lessons rather than the radio. He is SO INTERESTING compared to other Bible teachers. The app will look something like this:

So this morning I was studying in Esther and I learned that although Esther and Mordecai were imperfect people with imperfect pasts, they were in Persia for a specific purpose. They were missionaries sent by God for a divine appointment. At a time when the Jews were about to be annihilated, Esther had the power to do something about it. She wasn't a Bible scholar; she never went to Bible seminary. She was an ordinary girl. And she had been a quiet Christian up until this point. She did not proclaim her faith as if she were proud of it. We can all see some of ourselves in Esther and Mordecai. How many times have we been quiet about our faith just because it wasn't a popular topic?

But we see God use imperfect people with imperfect pasts all throughout the Bible. Esther was one of those people. She was a missionary. And if you're a Christian, so are you. Most Christians don't view themselves as missionaries and that's a huge problem. Even though we aren't all sent to remote locations and impoverished nations, we are to be missionaries where we are. We are surrounded by unsaved people on a daily basis!

Viewing Esther as a girl with an imperfect past who was still used of God as a missionary to save the lives of thousands of God's people really changed my perspective of myself. I don't know if I told you or not, but I gave my life this past summer to the full time ministry of God. To me, I thought that was a huge step, now that I was willing to go wherever to help whomever. Unfortunately, my perspective was wrong from the beginning. I am to be a missionary, regardless of if ministry is my "occupation." Every moment on this Earth is an opportunity for mission work all around you. I don't have to wait to begin mission work until I've been called somewhere because I've been called right here, right now.

So that's what I learned this morning. =)

Let It Go

Life is incredibly strange. Actually, let me rephrase that.. God's plan for our lives is incredibly awesome. It's just mind blowing! Just as you think life couldn't get worse, he connects the dots to paint a picture you couldn't have dreamed. Or he gives you a taste of what's in store. It takes my breath away every time I see His hand working. But the catch is faith. We must trust in Him.. have faith that he'll come through in the end, even when things don't quite make sense to us.

So this morning I was on time for once. I was visiting a new church, alone, so I stopped by Starbucks for my daily salted caramel mocha. Nothing gives a girl more confidence than a leopard scarf, a hot pair of shoes and a mocha in her hand. So I'm feeling good, right?

I don't know if I've mentioned this but I have a small strain of social anxiety. Call it low self esteem, whatever. So I'm nervous. Feeling cute, on time, but a little nervous - remember I'm ALONE. And I take a seat in the back, music is amazing, the worship time was moving. I noticed an old friend of mine sitting a few rows up and we reconnected and made plans to have lunch to catch up soon. So that was all God. How incredible. I knew it was His plan for me to come this morning alone. I'd have been satisfied in being there alone just because of that little treat. But God had more.

When I return to my seat I see my $5 mocha all over the floor. Awesome. Back to Heidi-reality. But I choose to let it go, clear my mind and open up for the message. And the message is on Ruth. Didn't I mention that I've been studying Ruth?? I've been searching for my story in Ruth and learning so much from her life. How AMAZING!?!?! I almost laughed out loud at the irony. What a sense of humor God has sometimes.

Is it just me or could this not have been planned more perfectly? I run into this amazing girl I know God has brought back into my life for a reason and the sermon is on Ruth! It's like everything that happened today was tailored for me! And to think I came in nervous or not sure of myself. God has a plan. What the heck am I nervous about? What am I questioning? Why don't I just walk around day to day with the confidence that He's got my back? It's true! Sounds cheesy but so true!

So if I have any inspiration for you today, it's to trust God. He's got a plan. My life seemed to be in somewhat of shambles (compared to where I want it to be). That guy I was chasing just dipped out. My job ideas didn't pan out. My grades aren't where I'd like them. I missed class Thursday. And on top of things, I'm flat broke... But He has something better. If I'd let go of my life and hand it over EVERY DAY, He could do something amazing with it. The problem is that I just won't let go. Or I forget to give it back every day. It's a daily thing. Not once, not twice, not every now and then. DAILY.

Ruth 1:21 says "I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty." (ESV) This is Naomi speaking to the people in Bethlehem upon her return to the city with Ruth. What so many people miss here is the fact that she says THE LORD has brought me back... So maybe she's complaining a little bit - she's human. But she is clearly trusting that God is working in her life. She can at least see that HE is the one moving her - whether she likes it or not. Why can't we see that even in our tragedy, our low times, He's under control. He's got a plan. He's at work. He will make everything come together for good IF WE LET GO AND ALLOW HIM TO.

Don't hold onto your life. He gave His life to save yours. It doesn't belong to you anymore. He paid the price. If you're a child of God you owe it to Him. Make a choice every day to give it back to Him and to use it to serve Him and do His will. You will be amazed at the incredible "coincidences" he will bring you throughout life.

Introduction

So I'm new to blogging. I am new to most everything going on in my current life so this should be no different.

To get you up to speed: I graduated high school in 2009 as the valedictorian. Plenty going for me, ambition, scholarships, yadda yadda.

Senior Homecoming 2009 - Me and my dad

I attended Samford University in Birmingham, AL, returned home the next semester to attend Georgia Perimeter, quickly tired of that small school and started in Fall 2010 at Georgia State University majoring in Economics. What I'll do with that, I don't know. Most people who major in Economics are incredibly business-minded, focused, profit-driven, etc. Me... not so much. I would be great at all that, but I've learned its not my passion. It doesn't move me. So I am still in college, finishing out a boring, useless (in my opinion) major to get the degree bragging rights.

December 2013 graduation in the Georgia Dome here I come!

So I was in a five year relationship that didn't last. There are more than a lifetime of things to blog about regarding that situation but that is not why I started this blog. In fact, I don't plan to bring up that past in much of my current writings. If it is relevant to the future, then it will be mentioned, otherwise, I live in the present, which is what I'm here to blog about.

So I recently discovered this past summer that I have a passion for helping teens. I had always viewed myself as an elementary teacher-type, which I still don't rule out, but I've discovered a new direction. Where God may take me as a result of this, we will have to find out.

Group of girls I was a counselor to on the "Spunky Monkeys" team at Summer Camp

Oh, and another thing.. I'm a Christian. I love God, I strive to serve God and live for Him. No questions asked. Should have mentioned that one first. Much of what I write will revolve around those facts. Serving God + helping teens = life passion. Or maybe he'll turn it into something else.. who knows? This life can be crazy,bizarre, and unpredictable so you never know! I am just crazy excited to let go and allow God to work in my life and to see what plans he has in store for me!

Well, I've been recreating life as I know it since the dramatic break up in March. My life wasn't much of my own back then, due to my own failures, but I'm changing that fact. I'm taking back my life, giving it over to God, and trusting the outcome to be beyond what I could have put together myself. In the meantime, I distract myself with random, yet interesting projects to provide myself entertainment. My current projects: starting this blog, finishing my last semester in college, and redecorating my room.

The blog things seems fun and promising. Hopefully I can keep up with it. The room redecorating will be adventure upon adventure. One of my closest friends, April, has offered help in thrifting and repurposing with me. I am still sketching out the theme I'm wanting but I can already see what an adventure this will be. Pinterest will be hot on my phone for the next few months!

As for finishing school.. oh, it will get finished. Whether or not I finish with my dignity intact is the question. I have recently caught this horrible case of "senioritis" and can't seem to focus or.... care, really. I know, it's bad. I don't condone my own actions. I'm trying, I really am. It is just so much more of a struggle than I'd imagined. Especially since this is only my 2nd semester going to school alone. Wahh wahh, I know. It's just different.. it's a change. But then, so is everything else!

And my job.. well I kinda work odd jobs and part time for a camp my family started a few years ago. The pay is a decrease from my old job as an office engineer/administrative assistant/sales prep, and the hours are less too, but I'm surviving... sort of. I clean houses, I sell things on Ebay, I babysit. Whatever I can do to earn a little extra cash while working part time from home. This is all new to me too of course. I quit my last job in June so I could volunteer full time at my family's summer camp. What an amazing, life-changing experience that was!

But I suppose that's enough for today. I'll keep you updated with more posts about how things are going and hopefully to share some Godly wisdom and advice along the way.