In recent weeks I've been reflecting on the past very deeply, especially with this new year coming up and the major life changes it will bring for me. Some of my past dwelling has been eye opening, some of it has been very painful to think about. But this morning, as I once again found myself in one of those painful memories of my past, God reached down and told me to get up and move forward and to let go of my past.
Philippians 3:13 - Brothers, (and sisters) I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.
This was the verse that literally popped up on my phone as a notification in the middle of my past dwelling pity party this morning. I have been asking God for months for direction, for a plan. I have been so lost and quite confused as to what my future will hold for me and what it might look like. As we came upon the Christmas season and hoards of old friends got engaged, it further internally frustrated me, not out of jealousy, but rather out of confusion at my own lack of clear direction.
I've had discussion after discussion on where I will live when I move to Florida this upcoming spring. I have contemplated job offers and wondered what life will look like in a year, or five, or ten. I've become terrified, excited, depressed and overjoyed all at the same time.
The truth is that I'm clueless.
I'm scared.
I'm excited.
I'm all of those things because, no, I don't know where I will be in one year, or five or ten. Heck, I don't know where I will be next month. But I am choosing right now to stop dwelling on my past. I'm choosing to stop letting those who hurt me back then hold me back in fear of my future. I'm choosing to let go of the control I have on my life, give the reins to God and just start moving.
Another reminder I received in perfect timing this morning from an amazing blogger, Lauren DeMoss (check out her blog at thefulltimegirl.com if you've never heard of her!):
"Waiting is not always righteous. Sometimes you need to get up, put your fears aside, and go DO something."
If that wasn't anymore applicable to my life right now, I don't know what is. I'm letting pain and fear hold me back from God's full potential with me. I have dreams and plans, but I've been too scared to start trying anything. A wise man (aka my father) once told me that God trying to steer a Christian who is too scared to move is like a ship captain moving a rudder of a ship without turning on the engines. He can turn that rudder to point the ship in ANY direction, but it won't go anywhere without movement, without power behind it.
I've been a ship without engines lately. I've been in such fear of making the wrong choice or going the wrong direction that I haven't gone in any direction. I've been sitting right here saying "God, show me where to go, please." But like that ship, I haven't moved an inch. God is waiting for me to start taking steps in FAITH so he can steer me in the path that I need to go.
What if I start off in the wrong direction? It's ok because God already knows and He's right here beside me every step of the way. He's looking for that tiny bit of faith like a small mustard seed, and He will use it to turn my direction to His path.
2015 is a new year. It's a new start to walking in faith. It's a good time to start taking those steps and seeking direction from our wonderful, Creator. Don't discount God. Even when you're sitting still, too scared to move, asking for a clear direction in the absence of faith that we generally are, He's smiling because He just sent a notification to your phone. All you have to do is read it and realize that He is in total control.
I serve an incredible Savior.
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